Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
50% drunk capacity currently
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
