weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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