last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
