I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
