I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
