So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
