Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
