I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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