I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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