Plan B is the new Plan A
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
