my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
