My sheets look like a crime scene.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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