if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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