I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i would punch a child for taco bell
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
My vagina just clenched in fear
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
