fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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