I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
