so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
