Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Randomize
