im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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