I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
