Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
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