I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
