My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Randomize
