My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
