Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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