that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
You can't motorboat a personality
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
