My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
