dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
