I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
