I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
