I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
