is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
