I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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