If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Randomize
