if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
