i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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