I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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