69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
