He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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