first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
