umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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