I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
