halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
