My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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