Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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