Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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