I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
