the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
