My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Randomize
