I accidentally had phone sex last night
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
