my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
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