My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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