My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
