I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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