if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
