The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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