He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
