the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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