Already got asked if we're dating
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
