She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
