I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
