I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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